To chop wood and carry water is the Buddhist lesson to take action before and after enlightenment (a state of higher awareness). This year, I have been following this lesson by dedicating my time to writing a meditation book focused on balancing one's professional career. Each morning, I start my day with a peaceful routine of enjoying homemade granola, sipping tea, and immersing myself in Zen books to find inspiration for my own life and writing. By embracing this routine, I have learned to slow down and not rush through my project just to complete it quickly. Instead, I am allowing life to unfold naturally and incorporate new experiences and insights into my book as they come.
However, it's often the case that unexpected things happen while we're busy going about our lives. Life has a way of unfolding beyond our carefully laid plans. In my own experience, as I've been engrossed in this writing project, I've unexpectedly found myself learning valuable lessons about healing my relationship with nature.
Since my encounter with three tickborne illnesses in 2021, during which I found nearly three dozen deer ticks on my body, I've struggled to reconnect with nature. It used to be my go-to method for recharging, but now it feels challenging. I dedicated myself to healing my body like never before, exploring both Eastern and Western practices. I left no stone unturned in advocating for myself. I consider myself fortunate because, in a relatively short period (after two-and-a-half years of healing), I experienced physical restoration. However, I'm still waiting to feel like my true self mentally.
This is because there is a void – my bond with nature is absent. I never truly grasped the significance of nature in shaping my identity until circumstances spiraled out of my control and it slipped beyond my grasp. Since the fall of 2021, I have made remarkable progress in overcoming numerous fears. From being afraid to sit in my suburban backyard, I now reside in Northern Minnesota and enjoy exploring nature trails alongside my husband and dogs (on beaten-down trails).
Every step I have taken has been to push against a comfort zone to combat fear. However, as this zone expands, I find that it no longer provides the rejuvenation I seek. Nature, which used to be my ultimate source of energy, has now become my greatest obstacle. Ever since I have been physically able, I have pushed myself, hoping to rediscover the sense of relaxation I once felt in nature. Despite my determination and efforts, the sacred connection I once had with nature is just not the same uplifting and regenerating source I used to know.
This morning, as I went about my usual routine of chopping wood and carrying water, a Zen book I was reading sparked a realization - it occurred to me that while I had accepted what I went through, I still hadn't forgiven nature for what had happened to me. Just like in any relationship, when trust is shattered, the bond is also broken. Without acceptance and forgiveness, the fracture will persist.
As this sparse winter slowly fades away and spring emerges, my upcoming endeavor to rejuvenate myself through nature will revolve around forgiveness. I will direct my intentions toward forgiving the land, the ticks, and the imbalance in climate for the toll they took on my physical and mental well-being. I will forgive the bacteria that invaded my body, causing havoc in my nervous system and clouding my thoughts. Additionally, I will forgive the mice, deer, and birds that unknowingly facilitated the spread of Lyme disease and its co-infections. Lastly, I will forgive myself for attempting to expedite the healing process with high expectations before my mind was ready.
I'm not sure how my journey toward exoneration will unfold, but one thing I do know is that to heal, I must forgive.
As I continue onwards with my life, as I continue writing my upcoming book, as I venture into nature with care and reverence, I will remain vigilant for the graceful birds in flight, the blooming buds, the resilient animals, and the rejuvenating land, all through the lens of forgiveness. My goal is to reignite my connection with nature and rediscover the harmony that once brought me profound rejuvenation.
May my story allow you to take a moment to contemplate your own life's journey, considering the things you may need to come to terms with or the individuals/instances you may need to forgive to progress, move forward, grow, and heal.
Consider the potential and incredible transformation that forgiveness can bring into your life.
Onwards. Here we go!
With peace and gratitude,Â
Kelly Cramer
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